Fifteenth

So, i was at the cinema yesterday - watching James Bond. Man, i need someone to go with me. I mean, i could call friends or whatever, but, i haven´t. I wish i could meet others like me out there. I´ve met a few, and it´s nice, but still.
I´ll just go outside to smoke a Joint.
My eyes have lost their color - i noticed it earlier today, or actually i noticed over a year ago. When i get sad and life goes bad, as it does sometimes, i lose the color in my eyes. They are blue by the way. Very blue. I´ve always got credits for my blue eyes and their power-color, so it pains me to see once again - they´ve turned more grey, as they sometimes do.

I´ve found this forum on the net which are for Indigos. This is a small piece from a personality-text i found on the Forum, which is taken from a book by Kabir Jaffe & Ritama Davidson:

One of the primary qualities that Indigo Souls carry is a heightened sensitivity. What this means is you feel deeper on both an emotional and an energetic level. You sense the emotional currents and moods in yourself or in other people. And on an energetic level you can sense the subtle vibrations of a person or a location. You can sense the vibrations from nature, machines, animals, etc.
You can sense beneath surface appearances to the "nuances" that are happening - if a person is sad or happy or collapsed - things like that. This gift allows you a deeper level of intimacy with life, because it allows you to be more fine-tuned in relating. At the same time, it brings you certain challenges. The majority of people are not aware of the energetic dimension of themselves. For example, something happens in an interaction and a person gets emotionally hurt. You ask them if they are okay, and they say that they are fine and nothing is wrong. But you can sense that they are hurt, that they are collapsed, that they are defensive, that something has shifted in them. You pick up these energetic subtleties quite accurately. However, most people don't register them so clearly, and are often in denial of them. It is often strange for you in communicating or interacting, because you want to relate to the truth of what is there, but the normal level of communication is based on the roles and masks that hide rather than reveal the truth. The result is that many Indigo Souls learn to distrust themselves. Instead of saying, "Well, I am seeing that this person is hurt, even if they are denying it.", you say to yourself, "Well, I must be imagining things, maybe I am just making it up". You may not trust yourself and your perceptions. This makes you a little bit insecure. Your gut level response is to the truth of what is there, but the situation makes you respond to the surface, and that is an untruth, it is a role, it is not solid.

One of the most important forces inside of Indigo souls is your sense of "calling" or "purpose". It can be felt in many ways - you may have a sense that you are here for a reason, or that you have something to do, or that you have something to unfold in yourself, or that you have something to contribute to the world. Whatever its form, this calling is often one of the strongest driving forces within Indigos. In many ways it may be the central point around which your life revolves.

That sense of making the world better is core to your purpose and your calling. It may take simple forms - perhaps making the world a little better by not doing other people harm, or helping people be a little happier in how you interact with them. Or perhaps your sense of purpose takes a more powerful form. Perhaps you desire to work in a profession that helps people, or to work with the environment, or a charity, or research for the greater good. There is a fundamental desire to do something with your life that makes a positive contribution. That feeling becomes more and more powerful over time.

You are here, as the old alchemists used to say, "to change lead into gold"...

Sounds crazy huh? But, you have no idea how precise the above text really is, and i just chose a small part of it!

Imagine walking the streets and absolutely anyone you´ll meet on your way carrying pain - you would not only feel that pain, you would carry it! Taking it on your own shoulders, no matter how bad you felt yourself! It sounds... Weird and, stupid - but that´s what happens.
I can´t control it! And i don´t wan´t to. Of course there will always be people which in some way or another can´t be helped. But...
I think it´s time to get back to who i really am. I´ve hidden myself in so many ways, and it´s so stupid because i denie who and what i really am.
It´s time to be myself again.
Oh yeah - my eyes turn Blue again everytime i go back to normal, looking forward to it.



With Love

Mads

Fifteenth Picture

Fourteenth

Far away from Heaven, first verse -

No one should ever tell us where we belong
its all wasted now everything is gone
blurry eyes shapes the morning which is close
you and i goes to hell its, all gone my darling

Oh man, just read about the terror attacks in India, it hurts inside my heart and scars my soul being a part of this sickening world sometimes. Killing innocent people for whatever cause it may be, is never okay! Denmark is a country which are free of so much pain in many ways. No nature disasters, no terrorism (yet), no weather which can kill us, no tornadoes, no earthquakes - yes, we are indeed lucky and blessed in so many ways, but still, there are so many ways we are not blessed at all!

I´ve been thinking too much today i think. Thinking about someone i met years ago. A girl. I met her when i lived at BUC (A home or institution if you like, for children and teenagers which can´t live at their own home with Mom and Dad for various reasons).
She was in many ways a special girl. To be honest she destroyed everything on her way, including herself, and no one ever listened to her or wanted to spend time with her at all. I remember i moved to another room when she moved in, and she got my room - which she completely destroyed - and all the pieces she let fire to on the floor, like a bunfire or something!
As time went by we slowly became friends, and she trusted me and told me about herself and other things - she didn´t tell anyone else. I felt truly blessed by trust.
But she was a girl in total pain... I could see it on her even the first time i met her, though she were good at hiding it.
At one point she told me she wanted to kill herself, and for the first time ever, i had to break her trust and tell it, to the people working at BUC which should take care of us.
But once i told them, and begged them to take me seriously and of course HER, they just told me - they would discuss what i´ve just told them (that she wanted to commit suicide) on meeting the upcoming week.
3 days after, she empties all bottles of pills in a locked locker, which she smacks open with her bare hands...
I felt so terrible. I felt guilt. I felt so, desperate.
Thank God she survived - but it was a REAL close call, and as i remember she actually took some damage to the liver afterwards.
I´ve been haunted for many reasons in my dreams at night, through many years now.
It´s fine, no big deal. But the dreams that really haunts me, are those were i feel hopeless and helpless for whatever reason,
and sometimes - life - is much more scary than any nightmare, and will haunt you down untill the last smile on your face, cut´s through your skin. And skin can be cut through by the most rusty, and blunt knife - it doesn´t take much more than that...

Does dessert always taste sweet?
Does darkness always have to be black?

Life ain´t what you want it to be -
life is what you are...

If you had the chance to talk to the world for just one time,
and one time only - what would you say?
Would you say anything at all?

The more it hurts to say goodbye - the better it´ll be when you meet the next one.

"The price of love" -
No matter the cost. No matter if you´ll lose your job, your expensive furnitures, your dignity or a life in pain - no matter what the cost, it will always be too cheap.

Tragedy only becomes tragedy - if you let it.

Mirrors don´t lie, but they can´t tell the truth.

Art becomes art the second it speaks through people, by peoples own voices.

If life actually turned out to be just fine as it is - would it be worth living?
Isn´t pain what really makes us appreciate, the times which we share in laughter and smiles?
Or doesn´t we share anything at all anymore? Is everything for sale?

Are YOU for sale ?

Don´t sell your love, your care, your loveliness and your beauty!
Make your love a gift and give it to someone who needs it -
make it a gift with no refund.

The only thing money and Love have in common is simply, you will die without just one of them.
Without just one of them, you will die slowly and painfully.

But compared to money - you will never run out of love.

It may be hard to forgive your worst enemy -
but it may be harder to fight him

Imagine if all the love in the World grow on a tree -
would it flourish?

Or would it turn into a forest...

With Love

Fourteenth Picture

Thirteenth

So there it goes... There it goes, down the drain...
Something happend today. She was... Different.
At first i just thought she had a bad day or something. All people got bad days, and if she had a bad day - that would be okay, it would be fine. But...
I felt. It was like she didn´t want me to be there at all!
She didn´t laugh much, she didn´t smile much. She wasn´t who she use to be. Something was clearly wrong. I dont hope she´s got problems at home or anything. Nah. I just think she´s faced the fact that i´ve been flirting with her, maybe she figured out i am in love with her - and of course turned cold. But, i wouldn´t say she turned cold, just different. Well, at least i got the point. She don´t want me, and she never wanted me at any point at all. I could feel it, can´t explain - i just... Felt it. Her eyes was different, her posture was different, she was more closed than she normally is - i mean. She looked like she hated me! I can´t explain it - it was like this chilling feeling which swept the room tight. I´ve been thinking all day, if it´s just me totally misunderstanding our meeting today, and her behaviour - but... I dont think i do. It was like she said: "NO, it will never, EVER become us! Forget it", and it felt terrible! I was in totally despair the more i pictured our talk today over and over in my head, thinking: What the fuck went wrong!
Arh shit, you know. I don´t give up easily, no guy should give up easily who´m ever he´s in love with, girls want to be fougth for - it´s just. It was like a sign today. I think i faced the truth. She dont want me, im her job, and nothing else.
And you know what - that´s okay, it´s fine, because i am her job!
I just hate these situations, were you have these big feelings for someone, and they don´t have just as big feelings for you, as you got for them. I think it´s unfair, and i don´t mean unfair because you´re in love with someone, and she doesn´t love you. I mean, just plain good feelings and excitement by seeing her and she just want to get it over with, when she see´s you, and doesn´t feel anything particular about you.
I can look forward the whole week to see her, and for her it´s just: "Let´s check the calender today, oh, that guy´s coming, that guy´s coming,that girl´s coming - okay".
It´s so fucking unfair, but what can you do, i mean. She don´t want me, i want her - i deal with it, i move on - end of story...
Am i sad about it?
YES, fucking yes im sad about it, it feels horrible. The girl im love with don´t want me, but like i said, what can you do?
There´s no need to make a joke out of myself, i think i´ll have to let it go. Let her go. Let her be who she was ment to be, for me.
What the Hell was i thinking!
I knew it! I fucking knew i shouldn´t have let me get those feelings for her, but i didn´t want to put whatever around me and hide those feelings away in a jar. I feel proud of myself for letting me feel what i feel. Sometimes love hurts - sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it makes you shine, and other times it gets you down. There´s no safe way to drive on the route of love. And yes, that´s how it should be!
The thrill, the unknown, the hurtings, the beauty. Love is like a disease - it spreads faster than anything else, and some people can live with it, and some people can´t - some people even die from it!
There´s no cure for love, there´s no medicine making you feel great again when it starts to fuck you up! And there shouldn´t be! Love hurts, so when it feels great - you appreciate it for doing so.
Im letting go. I´ll slowly letting her go, starting right now, and no - im not angry at her in any way. I could never be, she´s too special. And why should i be angry at her? There´s no reason to be. I´ve decided not to tell her how i feel, and eventually felt - about her, at any time. There´s no reason. Maybe she can´t deal with it, and starts getting weird or something. I´ll just keep it to myself. It´ll be my little secret,
and just as love - secrets can be both wonderful and scary.
I think my little "Love-Adventure" has been excactly those two things, and i am grateful after all.
Why shouldn´t i be -
Love makes you dream high above the skies,
and sorrow pulls you all the way down -
and i´ve always enjoyed flying, no matter how high it´s been, and how low i eventually would fall...

With Love

Thirteenth Picture

Twelfth

It´s monday - it´s cold, the snow keeps painting from above, on what some people migth know as Copenhagen, Denmark. I took a "Granny" before, meaning slept a little in the middle of the day. Tomorrow - oh yes tomorrow, i´ll hopefully see her.
I was thinking about death today, not that i want to die or anything, no - i was thinking about death in general. I think that were all here to learn something - and if we doesnt learn whatever we have to learn in this life, we´ll be facing the same issues and challenges in the next life. I´ve got lots of different views on life and death in general - i´ve always had, but i´ll share them at soem other time - slowly, so you can keep up with me.
I´ve started reading Slash´ Autobiography - it´s exciting for me, because i´ve always loved Guns ´N´ Roses. They were the first music i listened to coming to this world, and i´ve heard them ever since. And yes, i´ve heard "Chinese Democracy" - and NO - it is not Guns ´N´ Roses, enough said.

Ryan took off yesterday to Singapore - he was a guest teacher, which did some classes at my aunts yoga-school. My aunt is also a yoga teacher.

Man, tomorrow it starts all over. I´ll see her, i´ll miss her when i have to say goodbye to her - and i´ll think of her till next time we´ll meet again.
My depression is almost gone - thats good.
My life is going slowly straight up the road it has to go - thats good.
I´ve got cigarettes, i´ve got my music - i´ve got myself - and thats all good.
But there´s something which isn´t good. Im falling more and more in love with her!
I can´t help it, i just can´t help it.
Sometimes i pray for her. I don´t know who´m i pray to. I just pray, wishing her well. She deserves it.
I think it´s exciting being in love, because you know - scientists call it a psychosis, and i´ve been psychotic lots of times, and yes. It is almost like a fucking psychosis. It´s like the drug you need, but can´t afford - and you crave it. You crave it so badly it makes you sick and sorry.
I just, i can´t pull myself out of it. Not now. I want to be in love, i really do, it reminds me of all the good things in this world, and why we are here - for love!
Everyday passing by without her lying next to me, for me to look at her sleep is... It´s...
I think it hurts. Yes, the truth is - it hurts!
I dont fall in love with people, it happens 1 in every 50 years or so! But, i just can´t get her out of my mind.
But how do you explain a girl which has everything - that she needs you?! I mean, you can´t. I´ve decided just to be myself all the way through, and take it piece by piece.
I think i´ll ask her tomorrow why she thinks i still have skizo problems, because i don´t! But she knows if im recovered i can´t go at the center, were she is anymore. And then it´s bye bye - no more chit chat with ms. Love.
I mean, maybe she dont want to make the papers about were i am at the moment in life, so i´ll get thrown out, and also because she knows i benefit from being at the center, so why throw me out. Why make the papers and goodbye - when i benefit in my own way, by talking to her and so on.

Snoopy, our dog, is running around on my room. He´s such a nice dog.

I´ll see you all tomorrow.

Sleep tight or what else you do at night -

With Love

Twelfth Picture

Eleventh

Only two days till i see her again. I was out for a walk before flirting with the idea of dancing with her, at her office when i see her. Dancing to "Sea of love" or something - something beautiful like her.
I wish i could call her right now. Call her and say: "You know... Yes i dont know you much, i´ve got no status, no money, no future no nothing - but i fucking love you, and baby - if that aint enough... I´ll fucking love you even more!"
I dont feel inspired today, and im tired - i´ll write a long one tomorrow.


With Love

As always


Mads

Eleventh Picture

Tenth

I was thinking about something today.
I saw this old photography which i took of an old friend. He was "shooting" himself with heroin. Just the picture of him sitting there with the needle inside his skin, and the blood inside the syringe was... Terrible! I retouched the photo black and white back in the days when i took it, but that just makes it that more stronger!
Now let me share a secret with you -
Addicts take drugs, they get clean, they take drugs again - and at some point, MAYBE they get clean once and for all. I feel like i´ve reach the point were i truly feel, i can stay clean - forever. But! -
When i see photos like that today, it brings me back. You see, addicts get addicted to the needle - they would shoot water, if water were all they got! They want to feel the cold metal inside their skin, and watch and feel when the blood gets inside the syringe. It´s a feeling which cant be described, and most addicts are just as addicted to the drugs, as they are to the needle! So, looking at that picture... Fuck, you know, im right back in that particular feeling which i´ve known and loved and hated so much in my life.
As i said - i truly believe i can stay clean this time! I made the decision, not someone else - and THAT is a very important factor, to look at. You see, i didnt quit doint that shit, because someone said to me: "Mads, youre an idiot, you gonna die, it´s stupid, you´re a mess - STOP doing drugs!"
I quit the drugs - because i WANTED to. It was to many years of my life, which i´ve spent chasing highs on various pusher-streets and fuck, all the other fucked up places i´ve been and seen. I mean, shit...
Guilt...

Yes, i have guilt -

My ex-girlfriend, lets call her J as in Joan or something. Shit, she saw me in complete selfdestructive-mode. I mean, theres no doubt she loved me, though all this shit (When we met she didnt knew anything, and i was good hiding it.)
To bring an example which still haunts me to this day is for instance that time, were i went out to get a score, and when i got home, i could see she´d been looking in my bag, which were filled - and i mean FILLED with needles and shit!
She just sat on the sofa with tears in her eyes and looked... So sad...
She is such a good girl, which come from the most normal family - so for her it was a REAL shock! Trust me...

I´ve been thinking a lot today. You know the woman im in love with? I´ve been thinking about her ALL day, as always.
The reason im throwing her inside this text, is because - i´ve done SO terribly in my life. I´ve hurt so many people. And im not an evil person - im not! For instance, i´ve never - EVER, done criminal things to get my drugs! I would rather lay at my floor throwing up in pain, than hurting other people to get my drugs! But still, i´ve been an asshole, and i wanna make it up again! TO LIFE! If i had just one chance, just one shot - i would make that woman - the happiest girl in the world! I really would! She deserves someone, which tell her every night before she goes to bed - that she´s the most beautiful woman in the world, that she´s got a Divine soul, and that i love her - and i´ll tell it to her all over again when she wakes up.
Im totally in despair. I must - i MUST take the chance. I cannot sit as an old fuck, at some elderly-home knowing i didnt tell her! Knowing that i didn´t take the shot!
I´ll tell her soon -
real soon.

I´ll tell her that i love her -
and always will


With Love

Tenth Picture

Ninth

No one should ever tell us where we belong
its all wasted now everything is gone
blurry eyes shapes the morning which is close
you and i goes to hell its all gone my darling

Reconstruct by M. Jensen

As the roses grow
on the street
As the skies draws back
in the darkness

with a stalker hiding
in the shadows
with a firm hand
he collects

Selfdestruct
is reconstruct
but he collects
he collects

At the gates of hell
in the morning mist
as a fading shadow
he regret

With a slit here sign
on his bloody wrist
he regret
in the darkness of depth

Selfdestruct
is reconstruct
but he collects
he collects

As the roses grow
on the street
As the skies draws back
in the darkness

He collects

Sometimes you just want to scream!
It´s like - standing inside this tight glass-jar, and though you see people on the outside - and scream at them. No one sees you, no one hears you. It´s frightening - but, what the Hell - it´s just one more reason to start drinking, and we all like to drink, so who gives a fuck anyway?

It´s snowing. I fucking hate snow!
I dont like this - i think i pull myself further away from people. I just wanna be alone. It´s like this BIG cloud of air inside my chest, and it last for hours. It´s like someone has pulled my heart out!
The other morning i met 3 negative people in 5 minutes, just after i got out of bed and down to the Gas-station to buy the newspaper. 5 fucking minutes! Why all this negativenes, i hate it. People are so ego all the time, its like they are robots with a programmed mission: "HURT HURT HURT, MAD MAD MAD, EVIL EVIL EVIL!"
I cant write today... I just, want to lay in my bed listening to some music, im sorry - i´ll catch up tomorrow.

With Love as always

Mads

Ninth Picture

Eighth

Note to myself:

Painting a picture with letters - making the obvious seem impossible, ads the motive, to a distant pursue of a dream...

She wrote me... My phone danced in my pocket, making me cold all over - thinking "It could be her"... It was!
Shit! When i get messages from her - i get all... Weird! I just want to run all the way through Copenhagen, kicking people down on the way to go faster - run through the building, kicking her door down to her office - and then scream out loud...
"Here i am!"
But thats not going to happen - and it aint because i smoke a joint now and then, and get all slow and sleepy - hell, i could fuck all women in the state though i´ve been smoking a "Death-stick" as they call it here in Denmark.
It´s just... How the Hell do i tell her, so i wont fuck it up?
I mean - i´ve fucked up! I´ve fucked up REAL bad in my life. Im not violent, i dont hate people - but YES i´ve fucked up!
I dont want to fuck up anymore... I mean, yes - a little fuckup now and then is always fun, its just. Im in love, i act stupid! This aint me?!? Normally when i approach a girl for the first time i see her i´ll normally say: "Heres a buck, now go call your Daddy, and tell him you sleep at my place tonight!" (Though im no player, sometimes i just do it for fun, i cant stand superficial and easy girls!) But, i cant do it... She makes me feel... Well, makes me feel good, its like, she makes me a better person, just by standing in front of me with her adoring eyes, and long blond hair...

I´ve thought about myself, i was thinking about how life would play it´s card, in the game of life. But actually i dont care. I couldnt care less! I have dreams - yes, and im ambitious - yes. But...

Oh shit, i just realized how lucky i am...

Thinking back just 5 or 6 months. Oh man, i was a mess!

I never thought that quitting drugs would be possible, i mean, i was practically self-medicated in any way. A shot of heroin, coke to get the blood pumping, lighting a cigarette and a quarter bottle of vodka - and that was just to get out of bed! Doing at least 7 different drugs a day, nearly killed me - lots of times. But like most people starting to use heroin... Heroin was all i craved in the end... Man, how the Hell did i EVER get out of it?!
People wonder how i actually DID come out of it, when i meet people on the bus or in the Metro - old friends and so always say: "Jesus, i thought you were dead!"
But practically - i WAS dead - living-fucking-dead!
If people knew what really got into me, and made me realize that it simply aint worth it - no one would ever believe me...

She did... She doesnt know, and will never know, but SHE got me out of it. Meeting her - see how pretty "life" can be, made me face the truth.
I told you, she made me a better person. And no, i aint going back the shit, just because she doesnt want me! I´ll never do drugs again... Never ever. Thoúgh my cigarettes, and a joint a month, is still on the menu. But hey?! Somethings gotta kill you right!

Maybe you wonder - how come this girl - shit i mean: WOMAN, sorry - is so special to me. What is it she´s got?

I´ll tell you what she´s got.
When you look into those eyes she´s got - you are SOLD!
let me deepen this.
When i met her, i practically had given up on mankind! I mean, as i said - i was a mess! People who were honest, real or just plain good people, in my world - did not exist!
And then i met her... So, real, honest, righteous, so beautiful, so pretty - i mean, her inside is just as pretty as her outside. She´s just... Shit... She´s like a fucking fairytale or something.
And this is what happened when i met her - she gave me back the trust, and a reason to believe, in mankind again! She gave me fucking back the ability to trust in people again! I mean - that shits beautiful man! Have you ever met ANYONE - who could do that for you?! No?!?
Didnt thought so. She did that for me - and i will be forever grateful - forever!


With Love

Eighth Picture

Seventh

They say i have some sort of Schizo-Disease...
But maybe i dont have it anymore like they say. I´ve always been told i could cure myself in some way, pull myself up whenever i needed to. But thats a lie... I´ve used music, and people i´ve found faith in along the way. Im no different than anyone else.
What bugs me the most, is that... Tomorrow i´ll go. I´ll see her again. She´ll smile, sending her smile above the table - covered in love. I´ll feel better than ever sitting at the other side of the table, reminding myself - that sometimes love comes in ... Whatever it comes in...

I miss those days were the sun kept glooming a hot temperature, and it was summer.
But the sun also reminds me, of those days chasing "The shot" deep inside Copenhagen, late night. And though it was summer - it was cold. Fucking cold.

Does anyone else got that feeling, that they are alone? There is only, themselves, and no one else?

Does anyone keep their secrets for themselves?

By the way, she gave me a hug the last time, i saw her. It was like... Like hugging youre own faith. Like knowing - this is the person, you were brought in this world to love, no matter what...

And then i got uncomfortably hugging her, because i knew this was as close as it get - ever. And that felt terribly!

Tomorrow it all happens again... It begins, leaving me back with nothing else than despair... But thats fine. I´ll take it with a smile...
As long as i can sit across the table - and notice her blush in front of me, when i start charming her...


Love is pressuring on lonely veins - releasing it´s grip when the float turns to sea.. - That´s how i´ll put it.

I´ll stand naked in front of the mirror tonight - and i´ll check my scars... It reminds me of what i´ve seen - things no one else have seen, and if they have...
Im sorry...


Mads

Seventh Picture

Sixth

Depression doesnt come alone. It brings its friends with it... Loneliness, tears, and darkness, within many.

Yes, im depressed today. I´ve had enough. Not just because that im in love with a girl, i cant have, it´s just. Every pople on this fucking planet is so... Fucking selfish. Not ALL people, but many people i meet. And if not they are selfish, then they are angry, or irritated, or something. I hate it! And i hate myself for being so emotional all the time. It doesnt take much for me to get hurt. I get hurt by ridicilous stupid little things. I can feel it, in my heart. It´s like a "Cloud" inside my chest, it feels like there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing in there. The reality is - that i dont wanna live anymore! I HATE IT! Life aint good anymore - it feels empty, it feels... ARGH!! I want to know how it is to be dead. To be a soul again... I dont want to be, on this planet. I have many thougths about death. I´ll share them some other time, right now i´ll try to sleep a little.

With love

Sixth Picture

Fifth

I once took that shit doctors use to tranquilize horses with, dont remember its name. One of my friends told me it was like flying with angels, i remember i didnt feel a thing!
Today is one of those days, were everything blurs slightly, i mean - one of those days were you just want to stay in bed, and do absolutely nothing!

I dont feel anything today, just boredom, and nothing else.

Of course i miss her. I really do, it´s stupid. I think about her, how she´s doing on work etc.
I think about her chin turning red, as it sometimes does. It´s so fucking beautiful. SHE is fucking beautiful. I´ve never EVER met a girl who´s got what she´s got... It´s amazing. It really is...
It´s like the Kinks song - "You really got me" - suddenly that song makes A LOT of sense to me...

A lot...

More later on...

Fifth Picture

Fourth

Drugs

Yes, i´ve done drugs. That shit nearly killed me - several times!

It´s difficult for me to make a list, of all the shit i´ve done over the years but it includes - ecstasy, cocaine, speed, shrooms, acid and heroin (-which almost killed me).
I´ve snorted, smoked, ate and shot almost everything. And of course i´ve smoked a lot of weed, which i still do occasionally.

At some point my arms were one big scar! I didnt have any more veins to shoot in, so i had to shoot the shit in my throat-vein at the very last. Not very easy to do in the mirror - believe me.

NOW - im clean, feels great. It really does, im still getting treatment for it though - including medication, but still - im clean.
I´ve been in NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and it helped med a lot, if you want to quit your shit, it´s a great place to meet people, who can help you through it, it really is.

So - why am i telling you this?

Well, first of all - im human. I want to blab about myself, makes me feel good - second of all...
Nope, thats it! Just the blabbing - i dont want to warn you because, you´re fucking stupid if you dont know the dangers in doing drugs.

Still, let me give you my point of view in drug-using.

I think it is absolutely stupid to judge people doing drugs! I dont encourage people taking them - not at all! But still, why judge people doing something to their own body?
If they go criminal, and do stupid things so they can get their shit - THAT i CANNOT agree on, but i think people should be in their own right to make their own decisions about drugs. Some drugs can actually be of good use - if used properly. PROPERLY i said - for instance - Smoking a joint now and then, is nothing compared to how young people drink out their brains every weekend, as it is here in Denmark. Children from 14 years old, are drinking every weekend here in Denmark, and younger children to! That is so wrong - i really think it is. I mean, children drinking in that age, with their parents agreement, is WRONG!

But adults doing drugs - shouldnt be judged - it is something else, they are old enough to make their own opinions about something, taking their own choices. So let them!

Also - heroin addicts, they only need the heroin to be NORMAL! YES - NORMAL! Thats why i think we should have free heroin here in Denmark, for addicts who have misfailed their treatment many, many times. This could give them SOME of their life quality back, and they didnt need to do crime, to get money for that shit!

I know it is a very controversial subject, but i´ve been there myself. I know how it is to wake up in the morning, and get the first fix - just to stop shaking!

You dont get high anymore when you´re addicted to it - you need it just to get normal. I´ve never done anything criminal to get my heroin, i was lucky! But i know how that shit takes over your mind, and dignity! It - controls you!

So if you have anyone close to you - doing that shit. Remember, dont treat him/her like a criminal - people should have the possibility to choose what they do with their bodys themself. And second - if the person hurts you, in any way. Well, it´s the drugs who hurts you. If he/she were clean, they wouldnt do what they are doing, it IS the drugs!

And now you might think - "Well, if people do bad things on drugs, then why shouldnt we treat them like criminals"?

Because it is not everyone doing drugs, which are criminals! If they are so far out, they become criminals - yes, do something to help them, and THAT i DONT approve!

But still - dont judge people because they roll up a joint, or doing some - whatever - once in a while. It´s their bodys - not yours!

With love

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Third

Inspiration -

I want to share some of my thoughts about inspiration.
When i was a child 18 years ago, i remember meeting a man standing up the wall, at our apartment building. He had this green bottle in his hand, a beer - Carlsberg beer, and i think he had just a little too much. Anyway, those eyes he gave me, made such an impression on me, that this picture inside my mind, of he´s eyes, which i 18 years later still remember, and suddenly wrote a song about called "Loneliness is loveliness" is a perfect example about inspiration.

And why do i want to talk about inspiration?

Well, she gives me inspiration. And the funny thing is - she gives me more inspiration than i´ve ever had before in my life, but i cant use it!

Not a single line of text, no words, no... Nothing!

Thats what love does to you!

Fills you up with all the inspiration in the world - which you cant use for anything!
And when suddenly everythings gone, when she´s gone - your heart is broken - and you can´t even write about that - indespite the inspiration, writing with your heart broken make bad philosophy!

Its a lose/lose situation!

A Poem is a piece of Dust - Yes we´ve all read Mrs. Plath. She knew how to do it - but i dont.

Isn´t it stupid?!

The girl of my dreams takes away ALL i know - the only thing i know how to do - and im still flying way above the purple skies?!?

Stupid!

Why would anyone lose themself this way - why do we do it?

It gives us inspiration yes, and make us happy and blessed - you know - feeling loved. But what else does it do?

It breaks us down, it makes us sick. Sick, both when we´ve gotten what we want, and sick when we dont get what we want. We get sick no matter what!

I dont wanna sound pessimistic, cause im not - i DO believe in the one and only, i really do, no matter how stupid it is. It´s just... I dont know, i feel stupid letting myself go, letting myself fall in love.

It´s like when people tell me in some situation "Wow, youre lucky Mads".
"Lucky" i say. "Do you believe in faith" i ask them. "NO" they always answer. "Well, if you dont believe in faith, how can you believe in luck"? "Not the same thing" they say. Well guess what - "WHO SAYS LUCK ISN´T FAITH"?

I guess im kinda down today, i feel a little lost. I want to sleep. I want to dream, dream myself away - somewhere it doesn´t rain, it´s so fucking depressing!

With love

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Second

I´ve slept well, it felt good yesterday getting all my thoughts down.

I wish -

I wish my phone rang and it was her,
her lovely voice, telling me she wanted to meet, right away - somewhere inside Copenhagen...

Just going for a walk, nothing special said, just walking around. See her smile, make her laugh. I wish we could walk around having music played in the background, like "Wire - Outdoor Miner", that song would be perfect.

More later on...

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First

Well, i feel... Empty... I feel... Lost, or... Empty, just empty.

It feels weird... Because, well. I dont know where to start and... Well.

Fuck it -

My name is Mads. Mads Jensen. I was born in Nakskov, Denmark, approx. 22 years ago.
Who gives a shit?! You!?!

Not really, thank God - ´cause. Well, its just... Life is so full of shit sometimes. I dont wanna whine or anything, it´s just. FUCK!!

JESUS - WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!

All my life i knew something was missing... Just, something. Dont know what, just FUCKING something! Anyway - the thing is, i found it!! I found out what the fuck it is, i was fucking missing! Jesus Holy Mother -

And what the fuck is that?!? For the first time ever, im fucking speechless!!

She just... Sits there and -

Oh God... I dont know what to say, she makes me feel... Weak... It´s like, she got me totally in her control... And she doesnt even fucking know it!!!

It´s so, fuckin´ -

Wonderful, i mean..

She´s so beautiful that normally any guy would look at her, and start dressing her off with the eyes. But -

Im so much in Love with Her that... I just want to hug her!!! Do you believe that shit! I just want to fucking hug her! How stupid is that shit!!

All week i look forward to see her. I´ve got nothing else in my mind. I mean -
i can´t write, i can´t read, i cant pull any fingers on my guitar, i cant do anything! All i´ve got in my mind, in my thoughts is her. Her long blond hair, the way she do those eyebrows, her lips - she´s got the most beautiful lips, and her face... Its just... I´ve got no words. And for the most time she wear dresses, the most cool dresses EVER. Shes so Goddamn beautiful, its... Stupid!

But, the sickest thing is that... Her soul, her personality is like... Its even more prettier than her looks.

When we sit there... All the way over there, across the table. She smiles at me... She smiles that smile, who cut more deep than ANY of the scars i´ve got on my body - both inside and out...

It´s funny because i...

I´ve always had this "Thing" this "Cool-one-liner-speech" which would get my One-and-only in the net, when i met her but -

when finally she stands there in her dress, with her smile, her long blond hair - and her lips, i...

I go numb...

It´s like, im dying. Its like, everything starts to blur, and makes me on fire, burning down slowly, with fire down my throat which makes me numb. Its frightening.

I´ve never been scared that deep in my whole damn life, and suddenly a long blonded princess with a smile on her face - makes me so fucking scared.... It feels... It feels like..
It feels...

Good!

It feels like hotter than the sun, and at the same time - colder than - well ICE(?!?) or something (Yes, my poetry is bad)!

I´ve thought about telling her the truth yes - but

this may sound stupid but,

i dont know if she calls me off if i tell her - thats what i´ve afraid of, so maybe its best to just shut up, and get those years i´ve got - 2 max, without her knowing.

Can you belive that - im actually so much in love with a girl, that i dont tell her that i am - so i can be close with her, as it is possible.

But still -

im no wuss! I´ve never held myself back for ANY girl my whole freakin´ life!

I dont like this - maybe its best telling her the truth - maybe its just best to... well, tell her the truth...

Im counting days now....

Its four days till im close with her again... Im gonna walk right by her, when she let me in to her small office. Well sit, she´ll ask me how im doing, ill answer "Fine", she smile at me, i smile back - sincerely - and there it is...

We... Meet... Her eyes racing down the table, looking shy, hoping i didnt caught her looking.. But i did. And as she look up, i´ll look down, hoping SHE didnt caught ME... Maybe its flirting, maybe its just two shy people meeting across the table...

Im to young for her anyway - and nothing else than that...

I dont ha´ve status, im not rich - im fucking nobody!

But still - i could make her happy....

I could tell her every single day that... I loved her... And i would mean it to! She wouldnt just be some good looking show around for the friends woman. She would be my... My girl...

I could find all the peace in the world, just by watching her sleep...

She would be the girl i could proudly tell that:

"I love you - i WIll always love you - and the day i DIE, i´d do it FOR you..."

It sounds like children poetry, and it is - its me, but... It actually tells how special this thing really is... I mean, fuck...

The last thing in my mind before sleep is HER,
the only thing i dream about at night is HER,
and the first thing i think about when i wake up -
is pissing - but THEN
i think of HER

It´s killing me..

I dont wanna die -
i wanna live,
with her

I wanna lie next to her hearing her snor, smiling inside myself, and looking at her all night long....

I wanna lay my arm around her in her sleep, and feel her closer than anything else, i´ve ever felt before.

Tuesday please...

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