Thirteenth

So there it goes... There it goes, down the drain...
Something happend today. She was... Different.
At first i just thought she had a bad day or something. All people got bad days, and if she had a bad day - that would be okay, it would be fine. But...
I felt. It was like she didn´t want me to be there at all!
She didn´t laugh much, she didn´t smile much. She wasn´t who she use to be. Something was clearly wrong. I dont hope she´s got problems at home or anything. Nah. I just think she´s faced the fact that i´ve been flirting with her, maybe she figured out i am in love with her - and of course turned cold. But, i wouldn´t say she turned cold, just different. Well, at least i got the point. She don´t want me, and she never wanted me at any point at all. I could feel it, can´t explain - i just... Felt it. Her eyes was different, her posture was different, she was more closed than she normally is - i mean. She looked like she hated me! I can´t explain it - it was like this chilling feeling which swept the room tight. I´ve been thinking all day, if it´s just me totally misunderstanding our meeting today, and her behaviour - but... I dont think i do. It was like she said: "NO, it will never, EVER become us! Forget it", and it felt terrible! I was in totally despair the more i pictured our talk today over and over in my head, thinking: What the fuck went wrong!
Arh shit, you know. I don´t give up easily, no guy should give up easily who´m ever he´s in love with, girls want to be fougth for - it´s just. It was like a sign today. I think i faced the truth. She dont want me, im her job, and nothing else.
And you know what - that´s okay, it´s fine, because i am her job!
I just hate these situations, were you have these big feelings for someone, and they don´t have just as big feelings for you, as you got for them. I think it´s unfair, and i don´t mean unfair because you´re in love with someone, and she doesn´t love you. I mean, just plain good feelings and excitement by seeing her and she just want to get it over with, when she see´s you, and doesn´t feel anything particular about you.
I can look forward the whole week to see her, and for her it´s just: "Let´s check the calender today, oh, that guy´s coming, that guy´s coming,that girl´s coming - okay".
It´s so fucking unfair, but what can you do, i mean. She don´t want me, i want her - i deal with it, i move on - end of story...
Am i sad about it?
YES, fucking yes im sad about it, it feels horrible. The girl im love with don´t want me, but like i said, what can you do?
There´s no need to make a joke out of myself, i think i´ll have to let it go. Let her go. Let her be who she was ment to be, for me.
What the Hell was i thinking!
I knew it! I fucking knew i shouldn´t have let me get those feelings for her, but i didn´t want to put whatever around me and hide those feelings away in a jar. I feel proud of myself for letting me feel what i feel. Sometimes love hurts - sometimes it feels good. Sometimes it makes you shine, and other times it gets you down. There´s no safe way to drive on the route of love. And yes, that´s how it should be!
The thrill, the unknown, the hurtings, the beauty. Love is like a disease - it spreads faster than anything else, and some people can live with it, and some people can´t - some people even die from it!
There´s no cure for love, there´s no medicine making you feel great again when it starts to fuck you up! And there shouldn´t be! Love hurts, so when it feels great - you appreciate it for doing so.
Im letting go. I´ll slowly letting her go, starting right now, and no - im not angry at her in any way. I could never be, she´s too special. And why should i be angry at her? There´s no reason to be. I´ve decided not to tell her how i feel, and eventually felt - about her, at any time. There´s no reason. Maybe she can´t deal with it, and starts getting weird or something. I´ll just keep it to myself. It´ll be my little secret,
and just as love - secrets can be both wonderful and scary.
I think my little "Love-Adventure" has been excactly those two things, and i am grateful after all.
Why shouldn´t i be -
Love makes you dream high above the skies,
and sorrow pulls you all the way down -
and i´ve always enjoyed flying, no matter how high it´s been, and how low i eventually would fall...

With Love