Tenth

I was thinking about something today.
I saw this old photography which i took of an old friend. He was "shooting" himself with heroin. Just the picture of him sitting there with the needle inside his skin, and the blood inside the syringe was... Terrible! I retouched the photo black and white back in the days when i took it, but that just makes it that more stronger!
Now let me share a secret with you -
Addicts take drugs, they get clean, they take drugs again - and at some point, MAYBE they get clean once and for all. I feel like i´ve reach the point were i truly feel, i can stay clean - forever. But! -
When i see photos like that today, it brings me back. You see, addicts get addicted to the needle - they would shoot water, if water were all they got! They want to feel the cold metal inside their skin, and watch and feel when the blood gets inside the syringe. It´s a feeling which cant be described, and most addicts are just as addicted to the drugs, as they are to the needle! So, looking at that picture... Fuck, you know, im right back in that particular feeling which i´ve known and loved and hated so much in my life.
As i said - i truly believe i can stay clean this time! I made the decision, not someone else - and THAT is a very important factor, to look at. You see, i didnt quit doint that shit, because someone said to me: "Mads, youre an idiot, you gonna die, it´s stupid, you´re a mess - STOP doing drugs!"
I quit the drugs - because i WANTED to. It was to many years of my life, which i´ve spent chasing highs on various pusher-streets and fuck, all the other fucked up places i´ve been and seen. I mean, shit...
Guilt...

Yes, i have guilt -

My ex-girlfriend, lets call her J as in Joan or something. Shit, she saw me in complete selfdestructive-mode. I mean, theres no doubt she loved me, though all this shit (When we met she didnt knew anything, and i was good hiding it.)
To bring an example which still haunts me to this day is for instance that time, were i went out to get a score, and when i got home, i could see she´d been looking in my bag, which were filled - and i mean FILLED with needles and shit!
She just sat on the sofa with tears in her eyes and looked... So sad...
She is such a good girl, which come from the most normal family - so for her it was a REAL shock! Trust me...

I´ve been thinking a lot today. You know the woman im in love with? I´ve been thinking about her ALL day, as always.
The reason im throwing her inside this text, is because - i´ve done SO terribly in my life. I´ve hurt so many people. And im not an evil person - im not! For instance, i´ve never - EVER, done criminal things to get my drugs! I would rather lay at my floor throwing up in pain, than hurting other people to get my drugs! But still, i´ve been an asshole, and i wanna make it up again! TO LIFE! If i had just one chance, just one shot - i would make that woman - the happiest girl in the world! I really would! She deserves someone, which tell her every night before she goes to bed - that she´s the most beautiful woman in the world, that she´s got a Divine soul, and that i love her - and i´ll tell it to her all over again when she wakes up.
Im totally in despair. I must - i MUST take the chance. I cannot sit as an old fuck, at some elderly-home knowing i didnt tell her! Knowing that i didn´t take the shot!
I´ll tell her soon -
real soon.

I´ll tell her that i love her -
and always will


With Love