Fifteenth

So, i was at the cinema yesterday - watching James Bond. Man, i need someone to go with me. I mean, i could call friends or whatever, but, i haven´t. I wish i could meet others like me out there. I´ve met a few, and it´s nice, but still.
I´ll just go outside to smoke a Joint.
My eyes have lost their color - i noticed it earlier today, or actually i noticed over a year ago. When i get sad and life goes bad, as it does sometimes, i lose the color in my eyes. They are blue by the way. Very blue. I´ve always got credits for my blue eyes and their power-color, so it pains me to see once again - they´ve turned more grey, as they sometimes do.

I´ve found this forum on the net which are for Indigos. This is a small piece from a personality-text i found on the Forum, which is taken from a book by Kabir Jaffe & Ritama Davidson:

One of the primary qualities that Indigo Souls carry is a heightened sensitivity. What this means is you feel deeper on both an emotional and an energetic level. You sense the emotional currents and moods in yourself or in other people. And on an energetic level you can sense the subtle vibrations of a person or a location. You can sense the vibrations from nature, machines, animals, etc.
You can sense beneath surface appearances to the "nuances" that are happening - if a person is sad or happy or collapsed - things like that. This gift allows you a deeper level of intimacy with life, because it allows you to be more fine-tuned in relating. At the same time, it brings you certain challenges. The majority of people are not aware of the energetic dimension of themselves. For example, something happens in an interaction and a person gets emotionally hurt. You ask them if they are okay, and they say that they are fine and nothing is wrong. But you can sense that they are hurt, that they are collapsed, that they are defensive, that something has shifted in them. You pick up these energetic subtleties quite accurately. However, most people don't register them so clearly, and are often in denial of them. It is often strange for you in communicating or interacting, because you want to relate to the truth of what is there, but the normal level of communication is based on the roles and masks that hide rather than reveal the truth. The result is that many Indigo Souls learn to distrust themselves. Instead of saying, "Well, I am seeing that this person is hurt, even if they are denying it.", you say to yourself, "Well, I must be imagining things, maybe I am just making it up". You may not trust yourself and your perceptions. This makes you a little bit insecure. Your gut level response is to the truth of what is there, but the situation makes you respond to the surface, and that is an untruth, it is a role, it is not solid.

One of the most important forces inside of Indigo souls is your sense of "calling" or "purpose". It can be felt in many ways - you may have a sense that you are here for a reason, or that you have something to do, or that you have something to unfold in yourself, or that you have something to contribute to the world. Whatever its form, this calling is often one of the strongest driving forces within Indigos. In many ways it may be the central point around which your life revolves.

That sense of making the world better is core to your purpose and your calling. It may take simple forms - perhaps making the world a little better by not doing other people harm, or helping people be a little happier in how you interact with them. Or perhaps your sense of purpose takes a more powerful form. Perhaps you desire to work in a profession that helps people, or to work with the environment, or a charity, or research for the greater good. There is a fundamental desire to do something with your life that makes a positive contribution. That feeling becomes more and more powerful over time.

You are here, as the old alchemists used to say, "to change lead into gold"...

Sounds crazy huh? But, you have no idea how precise the above text really is, and i just chose a small part of it!

Imagine walking the streets and absolutely anyone you´ll meet on your way carrying pain - you would not only feel that pain, you would carry it! Taking it on your own shoulders, no matter how bad you felt yourself! It sounds... Weird and, stupid - but that´s what happens.
I can´t control it! And i don´t wan´t to. Of course there will always be people which in some way or another can´t be helped. But...
I think it´s time to get back to who i really am. I´ve hidden myself in so many ways, and it´s so stupid because i denie who and what i really am.
It´s time to be myself again.
Oh yeah - my eyes turn Blue again everytime i go back to normal, looking forward to it.



With Love

Mads